Bradley's Melons
by NekoTaku24433
Summary: What's with Bradley's obsession with melons? Envy doesn't want to know. TOO BAD! Oneshot, total crack, rated for Envy's mouth.


**Yeah...Well, He's always giving them out, so here's why! *SPOILERZ* Follows Brotherhood/Manga plotling! Spoilers past volume 7/ Episode 13 and 14! I hope you like! Sorry for not working on my other fic, here's a present instead! ME NO OWN. And sans authors note, this was exactly 777 words. EXACTLY. *coughs* Just read the damn thing!**

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Envy scampered through the thick foliage, branches whipping past his face. He gave a furious squeak as an especially large thorn embedded itself in his twitchy nose, and the grumpy homunculus batted at it with a fuzzy paw. '_Damn rosebushes,_' he complained inwardly, his fluffy squirrel tail lashing back and forth. '_Wrath really needs to trim these fucking things._' Spotting a tree through the dense green leaves, Envy dragged himself out of the bushes and scurried up the trunk. Looking at his tail, he grumbled in frustration to see several clumps of fur missing, held claim by the evil thorn bushes. '_When I get my hands on Wrath….'_

Leaping from branch to branch, Envy quickly traveled through the trees. With his small dark eyes, he could see 'Fuhrer King Bradley' in the middle of a field, crouched down over something. Jumping from the tree somewhat ungracefully, Envy darted over to Wrath. Coming up behind him, he shifted back to his 'human' form. To his extreme annoyance, bits of twigs and leaves were tangled in his long hair. Damn, it took forever to style it in the mornings! "Wrath!" He barked furiously, yanking a branch from his hair. He stayed hunched over though, dammit. Was the little whelp trying to ignore him?! Did he think he was better or something?! "Don't ignore me!" He snarled, grabbing him by the shoulder and spinning the other homunculus around. "Wrath, you know that Father—What the hell is that?"

Wrath gave Envy a somewhat demented smile, creepily stroking the object held in his lap. "This, my dearest brother," he said. "Why, this is a melon." Giving said melon an eerie smile, he stroked it lovingly. Envy shivered.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, _why _do you have a melon, exactly?" Envy asked, though Bradley didn't seem to hear him as he nuzzled his…melon. Raising an eyebrow, the green-haired homunculus took a step back. "Maybe there's a defect with human-based homunculi…." He muttered under his breath.

Envy gave the demented man a sharp kick, and Wrath finally seemed to notice him again. "Oh, sorry, what was that?" He asked, still not taking his eyes off of the cantaloupe in his lap.

"I _said,_ why do you have a fucking _melon?!"_ Envy growled, now thoroughly pissed off. Honestly, what was wrong with his man?! Did his philosopher's stone fizz out his brain or something?!

"Why, brother dearest, I'm taking over the world."

Envy blinked once, twice. And a third time for good measure. Then, he opened his mouth to voice his hypothesis on how philosopher stones affect the intelligence of humans supported by many scientific facts. "Whaaaaaaaaaaa…?"

Wrath finally turned to look up at Envy, who shivered at the creepy glint in his eye. "I have formulated a plan on what to do with the secret formula I spent many years formulating! I have injected all of these melon melons with a mind-controlling serum so that anyone who ingests them shall be under my control! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Wrath cackled evilly, lifting the melon above his head. Envy face-palmed.

"Stop wasting your time; Father has a mission for you down in Dublith. It appears that a certain brother of ours has turned up." Shaking his head in disgust, the homunculus shifted into a crow and flew off. "Send Greed my regards!" He cawed over his wing.

Wrath stood up slowly, dusting the earth from his blue uniform. "It looks like my melons will finally get some action." He grinned.

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Envy blinked once, twice. And a third time for good measure. He had just come up from Father's headquarters to check up on the pipsqueak, and the last thing he had expected to see was…this. Whatever the hell _this_ was. "Bradley…what did you do?" He asked warily. "Fuhrer King Bradley" stood on the balcony, staring out over Central. Now, _this_ wasn't that strange of a sight. What was so strange was the hordes of mindless people erecting a statue in his honor, which (despite having been started three hours ago) was almost complete. The crowds of Amestrians all had blank, lifeless expressions on their face, and Envy stepped back when a soldier marched past, eyes dull. To his shock, it was Mustang. _Roy Mustang_. The colonel continued walking down the hall to help a group of men erect a flag with an ouroboros symbol. Okay, apparently Envy was dead and in the most dement sort of heaven, though he could have sworn that there were several thousand souls remaining in his philosopher's stone. "How the hell…?"

Wrath turned to look at Envy, who sweat-dropped at the watermelon cradled in his arms. "How, you ask?" He replied gleefully. "Why, melons, brother dearest. Melons."

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**Wow. Don't know where that came from. And sans Author's note, that was exactly 777 words. EXACTLY. *awkward silence* ...*coughs* ANYWAY...Sorry I haven't updated my chapter fic, please dont kill me! With school, it may yet be a few more weaks...SORRY! *throws melon* And yes, several innuendos were completely on purpose XD. I hope you liked; if i get at least 10 reviews I'll update my other fics more! **


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